I'm trying to upload more today. So hopefully there will be more pictures of us soon.
Hopefully!?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Tender Hearts
Today I was sitting here thinking. I haven't had a lot of time to sit and think since we've come home. It's been quite busy and sometimes stressful. But I can't help but think . . . . . . how blessed I am to be a mother. I have 2 beautiful children that mean the world to me. It's amazing how much your love grows when you realize that these beautiful children are yours to teach, nurture, love, and help grow.
At times I just sit and hold Symi. Just looking at her and thinking how lucky I am, we are, that she's here with us. That we are able to have her for 1 more day. To love, hold, kiss, and find the sweet joys in a day.
She is improving. It's so wonderful to see! She struggles with sleep. Which means we do too. But I love that she's home with us. That she's giggling. Smiling. And jabbering up a storm! She'll light up a room with her cute smile. Her round little face is just so contagious when she jabbers at you and wants you to pay attention to just her. Well it's irresistible.
At times I just sit and hold Symi. Just looking at her and thinking how lucky I am, we are, that she's here with us. That we are able to have her for 1 more day. To love, hold, kiss, and find the sweet joys in a day.
She is improving. It's so wonderful to see! She struggles with sleep. Which means we do too. But I love that she's home with us. That she's giggling. Smiling. And jabbering up a storm! She'll light up a room with her cute smile. Her round little face is just so contagious when she jabbers at you and wants you to pay attention to just her. Well it's irresistible.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Remember
I received this email today. It is so amazing. Beautiful. Touching. It's changed my perspective on so many things. I loved it and wanted to share.
When I get up in the morning, I sit on the side of my bed and say, God, if I don't get anything else done today, I want to know You more and love You better. God didn't put me on earth just to fulfill a to-do list. He's more interested in what I am than what I do. That's why we're called human beings, not human doings.
You will enjoy the new insights that Rick Warren has, with his wife now having cancer, and him having 'wealth' from the book sales.
This is an absolutely incredible short interview with Rick Warren , 'Purpose Driven Life ' author and pastor of Saddleback Church in California ..
In the interview by Paul Bradshaw with Rick Warren , Rick said:
People ask me, What is the purpose of life?
And I respond: In a nutshell, life is preparation for eternity. We were not made to last forever, and God wants us to be with Him in Heaven. One day my heart is going to stop, and that will be the end of my body -- but not the end of me.
I may live 60 to 100 years on earth, but I am going to spend trillions of years in eternity. This is the warm-up act - the dress rehearsal. God wants us to practice on earth what we will do forever in eternity...
We were made by God and for God, and until you figure that out, life isn't going to make sense.
Life is a series of problems: Either you are in one now, you're just coming out of one, or you're getting ready to go into another one. The reason for this is that God is more interested in your character than your comfort; God is more interested in making your life holy than He is in making your life happy. We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
This past year has been the greatest year of my life but also the toughest, with my wife, Kay , getting cancer. I used to think that life was hills and valleys - you go through a dark time, then you go to the mountaintop, back and forth. I don't believe that anymore.
Rather than life being hills and valleys, I believe that it's kind of like two rails on a railroad track, and at all times you have something good and something bad in your life.
No matter how good things are in your life, there is always something bad that needs to be worked on. And no matter how bad things are in your life, there is always something good you can thank God for.
You can focus on your purposes, or you can focus on your problems: If you focus on your problems, you're going into self-centeredness, which is 'my problem, my issues, my pain.' But one of the easiest ways to get rid of pain is to get your focus off yourself and onto God and others..
We discovered quickly that in spite of the prayers of hundreds of thousands of people, God was not going to heal Kay or make it easy for her- It has been very difficult for her, and yet God has strengthened her character, given her a ministry of helping other people, given her a testimony, drawn her closer to Him and to people..
You have to learn to deal with both the good and the bad of life. Actually, sometimes learning to deal with the good is harder. For instance, this past year, all of a sudden, when the book sold 15 million copies, it made me instantly very wealthy. It also brought a lot of notoriety that I had never had to deal with before. I don't think God gives you money or notoriety for your own ego or for you to live a life of ease.
So I began to ask God what He wanted me to do with this money, notoriety and influence. He gave me two different passages that helped me decide what to do, II Corinthians 9 and Psalm 72.
First, in spite of all the money coming in, we would not change our lifestyle one bit... We made no major purchases.
Second, about midway through last year, I stopped taking a salary from the church.
Third, we set up foundations to fund an initiative we call The Peace Plan to plant churches, equip leaders, assist the poor, care for the sick, and educate the next generation..
Fourth, I added up all that the church had paid me in the 24 years since I started the church, and I gave it all back. It was liberating to be able to serve God for free.
We need to ask ourselves: Am I going to live for possessions? Popularity? Am I going to be driven by pressures? Guilt? Bitterness? Materialism? Or, am I going to be driven by God's purposes (for my life)?
Monday, January 11, 2010
Today
Today is getting better. Symi occasionally struggles to eat. Sometimes she'll just scream out of no where and for a while. We're still struggling with her though. Life is nothing like it was before all this happened, but these last 2 days have felt more normal than I've felt in months!
Right now my heart is so extremely full. I am completely overwhelmed by the phone calls, offers for help, meals being offered, and a shoulder to cry on. I truly was thinking selfishly when I said I feel so all alone. I now know better. I can never say Thank You enough to all of you. I'll never be able to repay you for such kindness to me and my family right now. I feel so up lifted! I feel so much better. I feel like we can conquer this now! Instead of it conquering us!
This probably sounds silly, but I am so choked up over the enormous responds by so many. I was only trying to find someone to talk to because Dane had been gone all day. I read back now and I was pretty upset at the moment. It really was a bad day that was only getting worse! But now I feel like I have an army backing me up every step of the way.
Thank You. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
Right now my heart is so extremely full. I am completely overwhelmed by the phone calls, offers for help, meals being offered, and a shoulder to cry on. I truly was thinking selfishly when I said I feel so all alone. I now know better. I can never say Thank You enough to all of you. I'll never be able to repay you for such kindness to me and my family right now. I feel so up lifted! I feel so much better. I feel like we can conquer this now! Instead of it conquering us!
This probably sounds silly, but I am so choked up over the enormous responds by so many. I was only trying to find someone to talk to because Dane had been gone all day. I read back now and I was pretty upset at the moment. It really was a bad day that was only getting worse! But now I feel like I have an army backing me up every step of the way.
Thank You. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Symi
Well the other day we had an appointment with our Pediatrician to discuss what happened with Symi at Primary's and to discuss future plans.
When all was done, I crawled into my car and cried. It wasn't the news that I wanted to hear. It wasn't where I thought we were going.
Our Dr said that the previous day he had been on the phone with Primary's for over an hour. Discussing everything that went on and deciding what they wanted to do for her future. When we got there the Dr really didn't smile, but was straight forward and very concerned. He told us that the only reason why we got released from Primary's was because she started eating on her own. And that they knew that we just wanted to go home. They diagnosed something for liability reasons and sent us home with a "plan" as well. But as far as they knew, they had no idea what was really wrong with her. Our Dr described it as us covering up something with a BIG bandaid. He told me that he expecting the "episodes" to come back. And that the Dr's at Primary's expected us to come back too. They are all stunned and extremely puzzled by this little girl. No one knows what is truly wrong or how to help her. They were glad to see that she responded well to the formula and all the different medications.
When we went to see the Dr she was starting into another "episode" of not eating. We were going on 7 hours. Our Dr informed us that if she didn't start eating by 10 hours to take her back to Primary's ER and start all over again. I asked him," Are we just suppose to keep this girl alive through ER visits with IV's and feeding tubes!?" He said," Yes if that's what it takes we'll do it." The Dr informed me that it's now all in my hands. To do whatever it takes to get calories, fluids, and regular bowel movements for this little girl. He told me that our next step that was going to be taken at Primary's was a head CT scan. He suggested that if they do that, that they do a full body CT scan instead. So far they have no leads. No where to turn for testing. And are hoping that she will continue to grow and develop like a normal child.
So these last few days I've just been trying to swallow this big chuck that I've been given to chew. I haven't wanted to post because it's been really hard for me to take. The reality is kind of hard.
I was so grateful when she took a bottle shortly after we returned home. I am even more grateful that she's continued to eat since that day. Each day is so different. One day she'll be normal. Smiley, giggly, super active, eating and sleeping well. Then it's like someone turned on a light switch and we're back to the fussy, uncomfortable, not sleeping, and ornery baby. Sometimes she'll just scream and scream and scream. It's hard to just lay her in her bed, but she arches her back so hard that it's nearly impossible to hold her.
My house is a mess. I have dishes piled like a mountain across my counter. Laundry that really needs to be done. (Dane keeps asking if I've done this batch or that batch. Finally he said today, Honey, I'm trying to be patient, but this is the 3rd day that I've had to wear this shirt. Could you please wash some today so that I can wear a clean on tomorrow?) You could eat food off the floor, only because it's has spilled food and crumbs all over. The Relief Society has offered to make meals for me ever since we've arrived home. So far we've gotten one. That was the only thing I asked for them to help me with. I didn't ask them to alter their lives and come stay with me every sleepless night. Sitting up with a fussy baby, and restless toddler. I didn't ask them to come and deep clean my house. I didn't ask them to take Ben for a few hours in a day to give him someone to play with and allow me a nap. I didn't ask them for the world. And they have already told me that my situation doesn't allow them to bring me anymore meals unless it's an emergency. Thanks. It would be nice if someone could sit with my kids for 15 mins. while I shower for the first time this week.
I just need to vent. Cry. Pick myself back up and try to tackle this all alone yet again. Dane is back to working 2 full-time jobs. Trying to function on even less sleep and keep a paycheck coming for all the added expenditures.
After our Dr's visit I went to the WIC office to pick up Symi's specialty formula. The lady that was over our "case" told me that they weren't going to give us the formula. That she didn't have an extreme enough condition to warrant her getting this specific formula. I wanted to kindly place my hands around her neck and strangle her!!! That was the last thing I needed to hear right then. I came undone. I said,"What does it take to warrant such a release for the formula? Does a baby have to go through a week of IV treatment. With a feeding tube shoved down her nose making her eat while she screams and cries! Does a baby have to have a diagnosis to have such a formula avaiable when right now it's the only thing keeping her alive!? What more do you guys want in order for me to get the formula!??!?!? My right arm!" I was a little upset. I was really mad. Finally she said,"Well you did finish all the paperwork. I'll see if I can't send a few of them home with you." AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO finally I walked away with a some more formula. That I have to get a Dr's release everytime I go or else Symi has nothing to eat. Great people. Just great.
My nerves are shot. My baby still cries. And I only want her to be happy and healthy. I guess it's a lot to ask for right now.
When all was done, I crawled into my car and cried. It wasn't the news that I wanted to hear. It wasn't where I thought we were going.
Our Dr said that the previous day he had been on the phone with Primary's for over an hour. Discussing everything that went on and deciding what they wanted to do for her future. When we got there the Dr really didn't smile, but was straight forward and very concerned. He told us that the only reason why we got released from Primary's was because she started eating on her own. And that they knew that we just wanted to go home. They diagnosed something for liability reasons and sent us home with a "plan" as well. But as far as they knew, they had no idea what was really wrong with her. Our Dr described it as us covering up something with a BIG bandaid. He told me that he expecting the "episodes" to come back. And that the Dr's at Primary's expected us to come back too. They are all stunned and extremely puzzled by this little girl. No one knows what is truly wrong or how to help her. They were glad to see that she responded well to the formula and all the different medications.
When we went to see the Dr she was starting into another "episode" of not eating. We were going on 7 hours. Our Dr informed us that if she didn't start eating by 10 hours to take her back to Primary's ER and start all over again. I asked him," Are we just suppose to keep this girl alive through ER visits with IV's and feeding tubes!?" He said," Yes if that's what it takes we'll do it." The Dr informed me that it's now all in my hands. To do whatever it takes to get calories, fluids, and regular bowel movements for this little girl. He told me that our next step that was going to be taken at Primary's was a head CT scan. He suggested that if they do that, that they do a full body CT scan instead. So far they have no leads. No where to turn for testing. And are hoping that she will continue to grow and develop like a normal child.
So these last few days I've just been trying to swallow this big chuck that I've been given to chew. I haven't wanted to post because it's been really hard for me to take. The reality is kind of hard.
I was so grateful when she took a bottle shortly after we returned home. I am even more grateful that she's continued to eat since that day. Each day is so different. One day she'll be normal. Smiley, giggly, super active, eating and sleeping well. Then it's like someone turned on a light switch and we're back to the fussy, uncomfortable, not sleeping, and ornery baby. Sometimes she'll just scream and scream and scream. It's hard to just lay her in her bed, but she arches her back so hard that it's nearly impossible to hold her.
My house is a mess. I have dishes piled like a mountain across my counter. Laundry that really needs to be done. (Dane keeps asking if I've done this batch or that batch. Finally he said today, Honey, I'm trying to be patient, but this is the 3rd day that I've had to wear this shirt. Could you please wash some today so that I can wear a clean on tomorrow?) You could eat food off the floor, only because it's has spilled food and crumbs all over. The Relief Society has offered to make meals for me ever since we've arrived home. So far we've gotten one. That was the only thing I asked for them to help me with. I didn't ask them to alter their lives and come stay with me every sleepless night. Sitting up with a fussy baby, and restless toddler. I didn't ask them to come and deep clean my house. I didn't ask them to take Ben for a few hours in a day to give him someone to play with and allow me a nap. I didn't ask them for the world. And they have already told me that my situation doesn't allow them to bring me anymore meals unless it's an emergency. Thanks. It would be nice if someone could sit with my kids for 15 mins. while I shower for the first time this week.
I just need to vent. Cry. Pick myself back up and try to tackle this all alone yet again. Dane is back to working 2 full-time jobs. Trying to function on even less sleep and keep a paycheck coming for all the added expenditures.
After our Dr's visit I went to the WIC office to pick up Symi's specialty formula. The lady that was over our "case" told me that they weren't going to give us the formula. That she didn't have an extreme enough condition to warrant her getting this specific formula. I wanted to kindly place my hands around her neck and strangle her!!! That was the last thing I needed to hear right then. I came undone. I said,"What does it take to warrant such a release for the formula? Does a baby have to go through a week of IV treatment. With a feeding tube shoved down her nose making her eat while she screams and cries! Does a baby have to have a diagnosis to have such a formula avaiable when right now it's the only thing keeping her alive!? What more do you guys want in order for me to get the formula!??!?!? My right arm!" I was a little upset. I was really mad. Finally she said,"Well you did finish all the paperwork. I'll see if I can't send a few of them home with you." AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO finally I walked away with a some more formula. That I have to get a Dr's release everytime I go or else Symi has nothing to eat. Great people. Just great.
My nerves are shot. My baby still cries. And I only want her to be happy and healthy. I guess it's a lot to ask for right now.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
WHAT!?!?
Ben: Mommy, would you hurry up already? My brother wants to come!
Me: WHAT!?!? What are you talking about?
Ben: He's waiting and wants to come here. So you just need to hurry ok!
Me: We just had a sister, do you really need a brother right now.
Ben: Yeah, we have a sister. But my brother wants to come.
Me: ok
(Where this came from I have NO idea! I'm in shock!)
Me: WHAT!?!? What are you talking about?
Ben: He's waiting and wants to come here. So you just need to hurry ok!
Me: We just had a sister, do you really need a brother right now.
Ben: Yeah, we have a sister. But my brother wants to come.
Me: ok
(Where this came from I have NO idea! I'm in shock!)
Sunday, January 3, 2010
New Year
So I didn't think coming home would be so much hard work!! Trying to keep 5 different medications, doses, and timing straight is enough to make someone crazy! Along with keeping records of eating and dirty diapers is insane! I didn't think that coming home would be so complicated! But it's been wonderful to be home.
Symi has been doing ok. She's still struggling from time to time. But the medications seem to be helping and eating is pretty much back to normal. The only struggle we've had to far is that poor Symi is struggling to sleep. She slept horribly in the hospital and has brought her new habit home. Nights have been torture for Dane and I. Sleep deprevation is tough. But we seem to be working through it ok. Each day naps are improving and sleep at nights, well we'll keep praying that she can sleep better!
My house has been an absolute wreck since we've gotten home! Everyday I keep trying to clean a little bit here and there. But it's getting the better of me. It's been so wonderful to have some meals brought in and to find out that I don't have any Visiting Teacher's assigned to me. A dear sweet lady, AKA bishop's wife, has taken our family under her wing. She has been extremely kind and so thoughful of us. What a wonderful lady!
Our "Holiday" really didn't feel like one. Usually your surrounded by family, good food, and lots of visiting, gaming, and time together. This year was spent in the hospital just Dane, Symi, and I without family or Ben. It was really hard to be apart. I kept telling Dane it feels like we didn't even get to enjoy Christmas this year. We called Santa on the night of the 23rd and asked him to come early. He came. We quickly opened presants, and started to prepare and make plans for Primary Children's. We felt like we didn't even get to enjoy a full day of Christmas. But we were pleasantly surprised when Dane's family wanted to come down for a night and spend some time with us! So we rang in the New Year with good food, good times, and a sigh of relief for Dane and I. Even though it wasn't much or very long, it was so enjoyable! Thanks guys!
So now tomorrow will be a true test of strength for me. Dane leaves me alone to go back to work. I hope that the struggle will be easier to bear alone. I also pray that Ben will be patient with Symi and I while we all figure this out together. We're home, but it's the toughest time that we've had yet. Please keep our family in your prayers. We have felt them, and continue to need them!
Symi has been doing ok. She's still struggling from time to time. But the medications seem to be helping and eating is pretty much back to normal. The only struggle we've had to far is that poor Symi is struggling to sleep. She slept horribly in the hospital and has brought her new habit home. Nights have been torture for Dane and I. Sleep deprevation is tough. But we seem to be working through it ok. Each day naps are improving and sleep at nights, well we'll keep praying that she can sleep better!
My house has been an absolute wreck since we've gotten home! Everyday I keep trying to clean a little bit here and there. But it's getting the better of me. It's been so wonderful to have some meals brought in and to find out that I don't have any Visiting Teacher's assigned to me. A dear sweet lady, AKA bishop's wife, has taken our family under her wing. She has been extremely kind and so thoughful of us. What a wonderful lady!
Our "Holiday" really didn't feel like one. Usually your surrounded by family, good food, and lots of visiting, gaming, and time together. This year was spent in the hospital just Dane, Symi, and I without family or Ben. It was really hard to be apart. I kept telling Dane it feels like we didn't even get to enjoy Christmas this year. We called Santa on the night of the 23rd and asked him to come early. He came. We quickly opened presants, and started to prepare and make plans for Primary Children's. We felt like we didn't even get to enjoy a full day of Christmas. But we were pleasantly surprised when Dane's family wanted to come down for a night and spend some time with us! So we rang in the New Year with good food, good times, and a sigh of relief for Dane and I. Even though it wasn't much or very long, it was so enjoyable! Thanks guys!
So now tomorrow will be a true test of strength for me. Dane leaves me alone to go back to work. I hope that the struggle will be easier to bear alone. I also pray that Ben will be patient with Symi and I while we all figure this out together. We're home, but it's the toughest time that we've had yet. Please keep our family in your prayers. We have felt them, and continue to need them!
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