Over Supply Syndrome + Overactive Let Down = Hard to Bare

I know that some of you may not understand. I also know that this is unusual for me to post something like this. But I guess I really just need to vent. And through blogging I can.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with 2 rare disorders. First, is Over Supply Syndrome, which means I make too much milk that my infant can't keep up with it. No matter how much she nurses I will always make too much for her. Second, Overactive Let Down. This doesn't mean that I'm disappointed all the time. It means that I can experience a milk "let down" 4-5 times in a nursing period. So instead of her nursing off of me she pinches the nipple between her gums and tries to swallow as fast and as much as she can without drowning. Literally! I always thought that my nursing experience was strange and that hopefully she would grow into and get better.

Typically women with this will have fat babies that gain weight quickly and grow very fast! Then after 2-3 months the baby stops growing, stops gaining weight, and quickly develops "Failer to Thrive".

So what is the solution.

Stop nursing baby.

I've already noticed signs that Symi wasn't doing well. We just thought that she had Acid Reflux like Ben. Which is what commonly happens is that they are misdiagnosed. Poor Symi was having green slimy stools with a sore red bottom. She would choke and pull away all the time while I was feeding her. Screaming and crying in between. Passing gas all the time and burping like an adult. She was NEVER satisfied for very long and would want to be fed every hour. This was a night mare for me because sleep seemed to be impossible. I was neglecting Ben all the time to fulfill Symi's nursing needs and diaper changes. I felt like a horrible mother, not being able to handle having 2 kids. I didn't know how mothers with more do it. I felt like a failure and that I was trying to give my baby the best. When in reality my breast milk was making her sick and unhealthy. This is a rare disorder and not many women have to deal with this. Let me tell you. I was told yesterday and I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm making my baby sick.

So now here's the cherry to top it off. Ben came up to me today and asked me this,"Mommy, when will I get to have you back? Daddy goes to work and Symi needs to eat. When can I have a turn?"
Hot tears.
Sobbing.
Holding both babies while we all cry.
I guess the last few days I keep asking Ben to go play somewhere because the screaming baby is overwhelming me. The toddler asking me for something while I'm trying to nurse is almost unbearable. I guess I've felt like a "single mother" ever since I've had Symi. Dane goes to work in the morning before the sun comes up. Then he's Student Teaching in the morning. Then he's home briefly for dinner and rushes off to work at night. Coming home in the late evenings. Just in time to collapse in bed. I stay at home and try to tackle the house work, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, administer to the sick children, and the list goes on. I guess I've just had a breaking moment tonight and needed a place to vent.

What's my point. Well I stopped nursing my baby yesterday and cried because I learned something. I kept praying that I would have a good and healthy baby so that I could cope at this "Season" of our lives. Knowing that I would be doing this alone. I kept wondering why he hadn't heard my prayers. When the Holy Ghost spoke to me and bore witness. I have to give up something that I want so bad, for something greater for Symi, Ben, Dane and I. Something that I've desired to do for so long. And now I've been told that I can't anymore. I have to put away my selfish wants to give my family something of greater value. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. Not in the way that I thought it should be done. But in a way that tender mercies can come flowing into my home and bless my little family. I know that our "test" right now seem so small to so many of you. But they are ours right now and are so real. I guess I'm learning to lean more on my Savior and pray harder than I've ever done before. I know I can't do this alone.