Remembering

As I sit here contemplating all that we've been through in the last year, I'm in awe. It's hard to think that the path wasn't there. The road untrod. That today we look back and remember where we've come and see what was then. Living in a world that is so different from then. I can't explain how our lives have changed. Our perspective widened. Our patience and understanding magnified. Especially our testimony of our Savior and knowing how much he's carried our family through out the last few years. Remembering all that has happened and looking forward to our future together as a family.

Right now things are harder than they've ever been financially for us. I have to admit. We are struggling. But for some reason I do not fear. For some reason my faith is so strong, and my understanding that we will be ok. My heart swells with joy to see my 2 children playing together. Laughing! Smiling! And healthy. Healthy. Such happiness I couldn't have imagined just a few short years ago.

What does the future have in store for us? Where will our lives take us in another 5 years? 10 years? or even 50 years?

I'm so grateful for this last year. The changes we've made as a family. The changes I've made as a Wife, Mother, Daughter, and a person. Come what may and love it!

Small Update

So things are getting better. An update as to where we are now. Ben is starting to potty train. Yes that means that things are going much better for Symi and I that I can help Ben learn how to go potty! So far so good! I'm so glad that he's learning and so proud of himself. It sure is neat for me to see him learning and growing so much.

Symi is growing, gaining weight and healthy! She is doing so well now. I've been breastfeeding her as much as possible and supplementing with formula. My milk seems to be slowly going away. Which is good and bad. We've reduced it enough that she can now feed off me and is getting what she needs. So I am no longer making her sick. But now I'm not making enough. It's a cruel irony but none the less, a beautiful learning process. So I am now pumping to get my milk to come back. But not too much as to over stimulate and cause the same problem to develop again. Our new goal is to completely breastfeed her by Christmas! We'll let you know if we get there. Thank you for all your kind comments, thoughts, prayers, and emails. They have meant so much to me. I'm so sorry that I don't have fun pictures to look at my computer doesn't want to upload and pictures. Which makes me really sad because I'd love to have you see how well Symi is doing!

Ben and Symi are starting to interact. Every time Ben walks by Symi stops crying and reaches for him. Trying to get him to come closer. Although she is a girl and sometimes cries when he puts a toy too close to her face or shakes a rattle viciously 2 inches from her nose. But overall they are so cute to watch. You can tell that when Dane and Ben wrestle on the floor. She wiggles and squirms so much. It's almost like she's trying to get down there with them, but her infant body isn't developed enough to allow her the fun time of wrestling just yet. She smiles and coos at them for now.

Just thought I'd send you an update and let you know that even though it's been a while since I've posted last we are doing well!

Update

I've been working with my Dr and he thinks that we can now start to breastfeed Symi again. I now have to work my milk back into a level that she can handle. So far I'm feeding her a few times a day and it feels so good. I feel like a Mom again and that I'm doing my part to give her the best. I just hope and pray that my milk is still good and that she's getting both the foremilk and the hindmilk. Right now things are starting to settle down. It's been 2 weeks and already I'm exhausted. It's been rough. Trying to let go, accepting it, and now embracing it again. It's a whole wave of emotions that come in a forceful abundance!

We are starting to get into a routine and figure things out. You'd think that after your baby turns 2 months old you'd have things going smoothly again! But no, it feels like we are starting over again. At least I feel like we are. I was looking at our pictures that I've taken of her and Ben since she was born. I have very few. I guess I was just trying to survive. Now I'm crying because I'll never get those moment back with Symi and she's already no longer a newborn. My heart aches because I want to remember. But I can't.

When I close my minds eye to see. I remember a screaming baby that throws up constantly. Nurses ever hour. A sad little boy who just wants his Mommy back. A husband who seem frustrated that the house is a wreck and the kids always seem to still be jammies and crying when he gets home. Dinner,well where do you want to go eat. I have coupons for McDonalds or Burger King? Dishes pile sky high. The house is filthy and I can't seem to find time between children to tackle the mountain. I see a few moments that are sweet and I just soak them up like a desperate sponge!

For instance I laid Symi under her toy that dangles different things from above. Ben was patiently standing by it admiring all the toys. I stepped out of the room for a moment to take care of something when I came back. I found both of them under the toy and Ben explaining to her what each one was. She was so excited and kept kicking her legs and cooing at him. Ben noticed that I'd returned and suddenly was trying to get out. I told him that he was just fine and that he could play with his sister. He went back under and asked if I wanted to join. Why not. They may never fit under there together again.

Here's another one. The kids and I were visiting Dane at the Seminary Building. Symi was hungry so I fed her a bottle at the time. She didn't finish and start to make all sorts of gagging and grunting noises. I was worried that she was choking. So I sat her up to help. Well low and behold something started oozing out her side and all the way down my leg. My blue jeans were covered in yellow baby poo!? And the warm ooze was starting to leak through. Dane sat there and looked at me and said,"Oh! That's a lot!" Then he sat there for a while longer and started laughing. I was a little upset because I didn't find it funny. It had been a long day with the kids and this was my cherry on top. Although after it was all cleaned up and done. I too was laughing as we were talking about it again. I won't ever get that moment back again. Why be mad? Or upset? Just laugh and love it no matter what. Come what may and love it!

So here's my ramble for the next few weeks, maybe. Hopefully our computer will cooperate with me and allow me to post the few pictures that I've got on my camera. I'm sure you'll enjoy them a whole lot better than me thoughts.

I'm Grateful

I guess when all is looking down on you it's time to look up. So I decided that I need to write all the small things I'm grateful for right now.

I'm grateful for . . .
1. Little moments when Symi is sleeping and I'm able to spend some one on one time with Ben.
2. A husband who did the dishes for me this morning because he knew they needed to be done.
3. A little baby girl who is finally sleeping peacefully right now.
4. A patient son who always says,"Mommy, I forgive you." when I've said something unkind in a stressful moment.
5. These words also follow,"Oh Mommy do you know I just love you!"
6. Quiet moments at night when I can kneel and ask for help for just a little while longer.
7. Sleep.
8. Freshly bathed baby that smells so good.
9. The sunshine that seems to melt everything away as I sit outside with a bawling baby so that a little boy can enjoy playing in the sandbox for 5 more minutes.
10. Patience.
11. Courage to keep going.
12. Unconditional love for my baby, no matter how many hours I've been up at night with her screaming and crying.
13. Being able to make dinner!
14. Watching my husband quietly take Ben away even if that means he'll be late for work, again.
15. Walking along the River Walk and breathing deep.
16. Smiling even though I'm covered in baby puke for the 3rd time today.
17. Realizing that the floor really needs to be vacuumed. But playing with my 3 year old on the dirty floor anyways. The floor will be dirty tomorrow,(and possibly the next day) but Ben will never be this age again.
18. Grateful that a baby likes noise and vibration so laundry is all caught up!
19. That Autumn is coming! (Can you smell it? Hmmmmmmm)
20. That Dane has a job and can provide for our family at this time in the world.

Ok I feel much better. Now I can try to conquer today, even if I don't get a shower.

Unkown

My heart aches.
I wish, I want, I desire.
I hope, I dream, I believe.
But something keeps nagging at me.

Will another one ever come?
Or am I done.