Update

I've been working with my Dr and he thinks that we can now start to breastfeed Symi again. I now have to work my milk back into a level that she can handle. So far I'm feeding her a few times a day and it feels so good. I feel like a Mom again and that I'm doing my part to give her the best. I just hope and pray that my milk is still good and that she's getting both the foremilk and the hindmilk. Right now things are starting to settle down. It's been 2 weeks and already I'm exhausted. It's been rough. Trying to let go, accepting it, and now embracing it again. It's a whole wave of emotions that come in a forceful abundance!

We are starting to get into a routine and figure things out. You'd think that after your baby turns 2 months old you'd have things going smoothly again! But no, it feels like we are starting over again. At least I feel like we are. I was looking at our pictures that I've taken of her and Ben since she was born. I have very few. I guess I was just trying to survive. Now I'm crying because I'll never get those moment back with Symi and she's already no longer a newborn. My heart aches because I want to remember. But I can't.

When I close my minds eye to see. I remember a screaming baby that throws up constantly. Nurses ever hour. A sad little boy who just wants his Mommy back. A husband who seem frustrated that the house is a wreck and the kids always seem to still be jammies and crying when he gets home. Dinner,well where do you want to go eat. I have coupons for McDonalds or Burger King? Dishes pile sky high. The house is filthy and I can't seem to find time between children to tackle the mountain. I see a few moments that are sweet and I just soak them up like a desperate sponge!

For instance I laid Symi under her toy that dangles different things from above. Ben was patiently standing by it admiring all the toys. I stepped out of the room for a moment to take care of something when I came back. I found both of them under the toy and Ben explaining to her what each one was. She was so excited and kept kicking her legs and cooing at him. Ben noticed that I'd returned and suddenly was trying to get out. I told him that he was just fine and that he could play with his sister. He went back under and asked if I wanted to join. Why not. They may never fit under there together again.

Here's another one. The kids and I were visiting Dane at the Seminary Building. Symi was hungry so I fed her a bottle at the time. She didn't finish and start to make all sorts of gagging and grunting noises. I was worried that she was choking. So I sat her up to help. Well low and behold something started oozing out her side and all the way down my leg. My blue jeans were covered in yellow baby poo!? And the warm ooze was starting to leak through. Dane sat there and looked at me and said,"Oh! That's a lot!" Then he sat there for a while longer and started laughing. I was a little upset because I didn't find it funny. It had been a long day with the kids and this was my cherry on top. Although after it was all cleaned up and done. I too was laughing as we were talking about it again. I won't ever get that moment back again. Why be mad? Or upset? Just laugh and love it no matter what. Come what may and love it!

So here's my ramble for the next few weeks, maybe. Hopefully our computer will cooperate with me and allow me to post the few pictures that I've got on my camera. I'm sure you'll enjoy them a whole lot better than me thoughts.