100th Post

24. I am so thankful to be able to blog and find people again! I love reading about everyone's little family's and how much people grow and change in just a short amount of time! I hope you enjoy my "humble" blog and reading about my little family too.

Grateful

23. I am thankful for warm homemade dinners. (We haven't seen them much since Lady Bug was born!?) Tough to make dinner at a specific time with a preschooler and a new born all by yourself! I sure miss Papa's help and being home.

22. I am thankful for Family and to be able to see them soon and share our newest addition with everyone!

21. I am thankful that even though I've been sick Papa has been a HUGE help whenever he's been home. I am thankful that Buddy has been content watching movies and playing on my bed while I try to rest/sleep when Lady Bug's napping.

Grateful

20. Today I am grateful for A&W Rootbeer. Yes, I know this may sound strange to some. But this little beauty is suppose to help increase breast milk production. So far I've been drinking it 22 hours and I've noticed a small difference! I'll let you know what happens in a week!

Grateful

19. I am so grateful that it's just me who is sick in our home. I'm glad that my kids nor Dane are sick right now! Hopefully I can keep it that way!

Grateful

18. To have a wonderful husband take care of both kids last night so that I could get some sleep. Even if I got sick over night, I'm still grateful for the extra help, comfort and caring he gave me!

Grateful

17. I am grateful to have a husband who loves and treats me so well. I miss him a lot lately. But grateful to all the help he gives me when he's home. What a trooper!

Grateful

16. After this last week . . . . I am SOOOOO grateful to have disposable diapers!

Grateful

14. I so thankful that it's snowing! Ben keeps saying,"Look Mom! Christmas is falling!"

15. I so grateful for the new/used snow tires. They just seemed to fall into our laps at a decent price!

Gratitude

13. I'm grateful for sleep! (when the kids sleep and I do it's great!)

Grateful #2

11. I am grateful for the temple being so close to us.
12. I am grateful for the opportunity to renew my recommend and can now return!

Small Update

So things are getting better. An update as to where we are now. Ben is starting to potty train. Yes that means that things are going much better for Symi and I that I can help Ben learn how to go potty! So far so good! I'm so glad that he's learning and so proud of himself. It sure is neat for me to see him learning and growing so much.

Symi is growing, gaining weight and healthy! She is doing so well now. I've been breastfeeding her as much as possible and supplementing with formula. My milk seems to be slowly going away. Which is good and bad. We've reduced it enough that she can now feed off me and is getting what she needs. So I am no longer making her sick. But now I'm not making enough. It's a cruel irony but none the less, a beautiful learning process. So I am now pumping to get my milk to come back. But not too much as to over stimulate and cause the same problem to develop again. Our new goal is to completely breastfeed her by Christmas! We'll let you know if we get there. Thank you for all your kind comments, thoughts, prayers, and emails. They have meant so much to me. I'm so sorry that I don't have fun pictures to look at my computer doesn't want to upload and pictures. Which makes me really sad because I'd love to have you see how well Symi is doing!

Ben and Symi are starting to interact. Every time Ben walks by Symi stops crying and reaches for him. Trying to get him to come closer. Although she is a girl and sometimes cries when he puts a toy too close to her face or shakes a rattle viciously 2 inches from her nose. But overall they are so cute to watch. You can tell that when Dane and Ben wrestle on the floor. She wiggles and squirms so much. It's almost like she's trying to get down there with them, but her infant body isn't developed enough to allow her the fun time of wrestling just yet. She smiles and coos at them for now.

Just thought I'd send you an update and let you know that even though it's been a while since I've posted last we are doing well!

I am glad for Many things . . .

1. I am thankful for my wonderful, amazing, kind, thoughtful, and loving husband!
2. I am thankful for my 2 wonderful kids!
3. I am thankful for our little home.
4. I am thankful for extended family that love me so much!
5. I am thankful for food, water, and treats!
6. I am thankful for (I know this may sound awful) but toilets and toilet paper!!!!
7. I am thankful for another vehicle to help us get around.
8. I am thankful for my Mr.'s opportunity to Student Teach.
9. I am thankful to be able to stay at home and take care of my children.
10. I am thankful for The Church of Jesus Christ and my testimony of it.

I am catching up on all the days that I've missed this month. Each day I hope to post something new that I am grateful/thankful for!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Prayers

Tonight as I tucked Ben into bed he told me that he was very scared. He asked me to say a prayer for him to help him sleep. I quickly said one and told him that he needed to go to bed. He asked me softly,"Mommy could you stay and I say a prayer now?". My heart melted. "Sure."
Here's Ben's prayer.

"Heavenly Father, Please help me to be brave and not to be scared. Send me an angel to protect me tonight and Mommy, and Daddy, and Symi. Please help Daddy to get a job so that he can be home to play with me. I really miss him and cry a lot too. Thank you for Daddy to have a job right now. He's do's a good job. Help people who are sick. They need you. Please help me to be brave I really am scared tonight. I don't like the Halloween. Please help my Daddy's job to come soon. In Jesus Christ, Amen."



(Ben doesn't like Halloween. It really scares him a lot! He never wants to go down any Halloween isles in the store. He always covers his eyes when we enter a store that's decorated for Halloween. But he always notices the Christmas stuff that comes out shortly before Halloween. He absolutely LOVES Christmas and has been asking me to play Christmas music for him to feel better. He also misses his Daddy very much. Dane works 2 jobs and is gone from the wee hours in the morning until way late at night. Coming home briefly to eat dinner and get on the road again. It's rough to have him be gone more than he's ever been gone. Ben just wants him to be home. I know his prayers are heard.)

Update

I've been working with my Dr and he thinks that we can now start to breastfeed Symi again. I now have to work my milk back into a level that she can handle. So far I'm feeding her a few times a day and it feels so good. I feel like a Mom again and that I'm doing my part to give her the best. I just hope and pray that my milk is still good and that she's getting both the foremilk and the hindmilk. Right now things are starting to settle down. It's been 2 weeks and already I'm exhausted. It's been rough. Trying to let go, accepting it, and now embracing it again. It's a whole wave of emotions that come in a forceful abundance!

We are starting to get into a routine and figure things out. You'd think that after your baby turns 2 months old you'd have things going smoothly again! But no, it feels like we are starting over again. At least I feel like we are. I was looking at our pictures that I've taken of her and Ben since she was born. I have very few. I guess I was just trying to survive. Now I'm crying because I'll never get those moment back with Symi and she's already no longer a newborn. My heart aches because I want to remember. But I can't.

When I close my minds eye to see. I remember a screaming baby that throws up constantly. Nurses ever hour. A sad little boy who just wants his Mommy back. A husband who seem frustrated that the house is a wreck and the kids always seem to still be jammies and crying when he gets home. Dinner,well where do you want to go eat. I have coupons for McDonalds or Burger King? Dishes pile sky high. The house is filthy and I can't seem to find time between children to tackle the mountain. I see a few moments that are sweet and I just soak them up like a desperate sponge!

For instance I laid Symi under her toy that dangles different things from above. Ben was patiently standing by it admiring all the toys. I stepped out of the room for a moment to take care of something when I came back. I found both of them under the toy and Ben explaining to her what each one was. She was so excited and kept kicking her legs and cooing at him. Ben noticed that I'd returned and suddenly was trying to get out. I told him that he was just fine and that he could play with his sister. He went back under and asked if I wanted to join. Why not. They may never fit under there together again.

Here's another one. The kids and I were visiting Dane at the Seminary Building. Symi was hungry so I fed her a bottle at the time. She didn't finish and start to make all sorts of gagging and grunting noises. I was worried that she was choking. So I sat her up to help. Well low and behold something started oozing out her side and all the way down my leg. My blue jeans were covered in yellow baby poo!? And the warm ooze was starting to leak through. Dane sat there and looked at me and said,"Oh! That's a lot!" Then he sat there for a while longer and started laughing. I was a little upset because I didn't find it funny. It had been a long day with the kids and this was my cherry on top. Although after it was all cleaned up and done. I too was laughing as we were talking about it again. I won't ever get that moment back again. Why be mad? Or upset? Just laugh and love it no matter what. Come what may and love it!

So here's my ramble for the next few weeks, maybe. Hopefully our computer will cooperate with me and allow me to post the few pictures that I've got on my camera. I'm sure you'll enjoy them a whole lot better than me thoughts.

I'm Grateful

I guess when all is looking down on you it's time to look up. So I decided that I need to write all the small things I'm grateful for right now.

I'm grateful for . . .
1. Little moments when Symi is sleeping and I'm able to spend some one on one time with Ben.
2. A husband who did the dishes for me this morning because he knew they needed to be done.
3. A little baby girl who is finally sleeping peacefully right now.
4. A patient son who always says,"Mommy, I forgive you." when I've said something unkind in a stressful moment.
5. These words also follow,"Oh Mommy do you know I just love you!"
6. Quiet moments at night when I can kneel and ask for help for just a little while longer.
7. Sleep.
8. Freshly bathed baby that smells so good.
9. The sunshine that seems to melt everything away as I sit outside with a bawling baby so that a little boy can enjoy playing in the sandbox for 5 more minutes.
10. Patience.
11. Courage to keep going.
12. Unconditional love for my baby, no matter how many hours I've been up at night with her screaming and crying.
13. Being able to make dinner!
14. Watching my husband quietly take Ben away even if that means he'll be late for work, again.
15. Walking along the River Walk and breathing deep.
16. Smiling even though I'm covered in baby puke for the 3rd time today.
17. Realizing that the floor really needs to be vacuumed. But playing with my 3 year old on the dirty floor anyways. The floor will be dirty tomorrow,(and possibly the next day) but Ben will never be this age again.
18. Grateful that a baby likes noise and vibration so laundry is all caught up!
19. That Autumn is coming! (Can you smell it? Hmmmmmmm)
20. That Dane has a job and can provide for our family at this time in the world.

Ok I feel much better. Now I can try to conquer today, even if I don't get a shower.

Over Supply Syndrome + Overactive Let Down = Hard to Bare

I know that some of you may not understand. I also know that this is unusual for me to post something like this. But I guess I really just need to vent. And through blogging I can.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with 2 rare disorders. First, is Over Supply Syndrome, which means I make too much milk that my infant can't keep up with it. No matter how much she nurses I will always make too much for her. Second, Overactive Let Down. This doesn't mean that I'm disappointed all the time. It means that I can experience a milk "let down" 4-5 times in a nursing period. So instead of her nursing off of me she pinches the nipple between her gums and tries to swallow as fast and as much as she can without drowning. Literally! I always thought that my nursing experience was strange and that hopefully she would grow into and get better.

Typically women with this will have fat babies that gain weight quickly and grow very fast! Then after 2-3 months the baby stops growing, stops gaining weight, and quickly develops "Failer to Thrive".

So what is the solution.

Stop nursing baby.

I've already noticed signs that Symi wasn't doing well. We just thought that she had Acid Reflux like Ben. Which is what commonly happens is that they are misdiagnosed. Poor Symi was having green slimy stools with a sore red bottom. She would choke and pull away all the time while I was feeding her. Screaming and crying in between. Passing gas all the time and burping like an adult. She was NEVER satisfied for very long and would want to be fed every hour. This was a night mare for me because sleep seemed to be impossible. I was neglecting Ben all the time to fulfill Symi's nursing needs and diaper changes. I felt like a horrible mother, not being able to handle having 2 kids. I didn't know how mothers with more do it. I felt like a failure and that I was trying to give my baby the best. When in reality my breast milk was making her sick and unhealthy. This is a rare disorder and not many women have to deal with this. Let me tell you. I was told yesterday and I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm making my baby sick.

So now here's the cherry to top it off. Ben came up to me today and asked me this,"Mommy, when will I get to have you back? Daddy goes to work and Symi needs to eat. When can I have a turn?"
Hot tears.
Sobbing.
Holding both babies while we all cry.
I guess the last few days I keep asking Ben to go play somewhere because the screaming baby is overwhelming me. The toddler asking me for something while I'm trying to nurse is almost unbearable. I guess I've felt like a "single mother" ever since I've had Symi. Dane goes to work in the morning before the sun comes up. Then he's Student Teaching in the morning. Then he's home briefly for dinner and rushes off to work at night. Coming home in the late evenings. Just in time to collapse in bed. I stay at home and try to tackle the house work, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, administer to the sick children, and the list goes on. I guess I've just had a breaking moment tonight and needed a place to vent.

What's my point. Well I stopped nursing my baby yesterday and cried because I learned something. I kept praying that I would have a good and healthy baby so that I could cope at this "Season" of our lives. Knowing that I would be doing this alone. I kept wondering why he hadn't heard my prayers. When the Holy Ghost spoke to me and bore witness. I have to give up something that I want so bad, for something greater for Symi, Ben, Dane and I. Something that I've desired to do for so long. And now I've been told that I can't anymore. I have to put away my selfish wants to give my family something of greater value. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. Not in the way that I thought it should be done. But in a way that tender mercies can come flowing into my home and bless my little family. I know that our "test" right now seem so small to so many of you. But they are ours right now and are so real. I guess I'm learning to lean more on my Savior and pray harder than I've ever done before. I know I can't do this alone.

It's officail (Part 2)

Ben hasn't needed his pacifiers in his mouth since he was about 18 months. We cut off the ends and only gave them to him at nights. So he would hold them in his hands but never in his mouth. We thought he was going to take them with him to college so that he could sleep! So we're so happy and grateful that he was very willing and able to let them go!

It's official!

The "Mee-Mee's" have officially been laid to rest! Ben no longer sleeps with them in his hands anymore! He threw away his last one the other night and has been doing just fine! We re so proud of him! He's been attached to those since birth!

New Gun

Before Symantha was born I ordered a new manual pump that I can take with me everywhere. I was unpacking it when it arrived and Ben was watching intently. Finally he asked me.

Ben: Mommy, I want to shoot your gun.

Me: Um . . . NO! This is not a gun. And it's not a toy to play with. Please leave it alone!

A few days later I found him standing by the window with my "Gun" shooting the birds. At least he's an innocent boy!

BURP. . . . what!?

Ben is such a good helper. He loves to help pat Symi's back to burp her after I have fed her. This is the conversation that went down.

Ben: Come on Symi burp.

Symi: (Well she farted really loud)

Ben: Mom, was that a fart!?

Me: Yes. She farted Ben.

Ben: Symi that's the wrong end!