Update

I've been working with my Dr and he thinks that we can now start to breastfeed Symi again. I now have to work my milk back into a level that she can handle. So far I'm feeding her a few times a day and it feels so good. I feel like a Mom again and that I'm doing my part to give her the best. I just hope and pray that my milk is still good and that she's getting both the foremilk and the hindmilk. Right now things are starting to settle down. It's been 2 weeks and already I'm exhausted. It's been rough. Trying to let go, accepting it, and now embracing it again. It's a whole wave of emotions that come in a forceful abundance!

We are starting to get into a routine and figure things out. You'd think that after your baby turns 2 months old you'd have things going smoothly again! But no, it feels like we are starting over again. At least I feel like we are. I was looking at our pictures that I've taken of her and Ben since she was born. I have very few. I guess I was just trying to survive. Now I'm crying because I'll never get those moment back with Symi and she's already no longer a newborn. My heart aches because I want to remember. But I can't.

When I close my minds eye to see. I remember a screaming baby that throws up constantly. Nurses ever hour. A sad little boy who just wants his Mommy back. A husband who seem frustrated that the house is a wreck and the kids always seem to still be jammies and crying when he gets home. Dinner,well where do you want to go eat. I have coupons for McDonalds or Burger King? Dishes pile sky high. The house is filthy and I can't seem to find time between children to tackle the mountain. I see a few moments that are sweet and I just soak them up like a desperate sponge!

For instance I laid Symi under her toy that dangles different things from above. Ben was patiently standing by it admiring all the toys. I stepped out of the room for a moment to take care of something when I came back. I found both of them under the toy and Ben explaining to her what each one was. She was so excited and kept kicking her legs and cooing at him. Ben noticed that I'd returned and suddenly was trying to get out. I told him that he was just fine and that he could play with his sister. He went back under and asked if I wanted to join. Why not. They may never fit under there together again.

Here's another one. The kids and I were visiting Dane at the Seminary Building. Symi was hungry so I fed her a bottle at the time. She didn't finish and start to make all sorts of gagging and grunting noises. I was worried that she was choking. So I sat her up to help. Well low and behold something started oozing out her side and all the way down my leg. My blue jeans were covered in yellow baby poo!? And the warm ooze was starting to leak through. Dane sat there and looked at me and said,"Oh! That's a lot!" Then he sat there for a while longer and started laughing. I was a little upset because I didn't find it funny. It had been a long day with the kids and this was my cherry on top. Although after it was all cleaned up and done. I too was laughing as we were talking about it again. I won't ever get that moment back again. Why be mad? Or upset? Just laugh and love it no matter what. Come what may and love it!

So here's my ramble for the next few weeks, maybe. Hopefully our computer will cooperate with me and allow me to post the few pictures that I've got on my camera. I'm sure you'll enjoy them a whole lot better than me thoughts.

I'm Grateful

I guess when all is looking down on you it's time to look up. So I decided that I need to write all the small things I'm grateful for right now.

I'm grateful for . . .
1. Little moments when Symi is sleeping and I'm able to spend some one on one time with Ben.
2. A husband who did the dishes for me this morning because he knew they needed to be done.
3. A little baby girl who is finally sleeping peacefully right now.
4. A patient son who always says,"Mommy, I forgive you." when I've said something unkind in a stressful moment.
5. These words also follow,"Oh Mommy do you know I just love you!"
6. Quiet moments at night when I can kneel and ask for help for just a little while longer.
7. Sleep.
8. Freshly bathed baby that smells so good.
9. The sunshine that seems to melt everything away as I sit outside with a bawling baby so that a little boy can enjoy playing in the sandbox for 5 more minutes.
10. Patience.
11. Courage to keep going.
12. Unconditional love for my baby, no matter how many hours I've been up at night with her screaming and crying.
13. Being able to make dinner!
14. Watching my husband quietly take Ben away even if that means he'll be late for work, again.
15. Walking along the River Walk and breathing deep.
16. Smiling even though I'm covered in baby puke for the 3rd time today.
17. Realizing that the floor really needs to be vacuumed. But playing with my 3 year old on the dirty floor anyways. The floor will be dirty tomorrow,(and possibly the next day) but Ben will never be this age again.
18. Grateful that a baby likes noise and vibration so laundry is all caught up!
19. That Autumn is coming! (Can you smell it? Hmmmmmmm)
20. That Dane has a job and can provide for our family at this time in the world.

Ok I feel much better. Now I can try to conquer today, even if I don't get a shower.

Over Supply Syndrome + Overactive Let Down = Hard to Bare

I know that some of you may not understand. I also know that this is unusual for me to post something like this. But I guess I really just need to vent. And through blogging I can.

Yesterday I was diagnosed with 2 rare disorders. First, is Over Supply Syndrome, which means I make too much milk that my infant can't keep up with it. No matter how much she nurses I will always make too much for her. Second, Overactive Let Down. This doesn't mean that I'm disappointed all the time. It means that I can experience a milk "let down" 4-5 times in a nursing period. So instead of her nursing off of me she pinches the nipple between her gums and tries to swallow as fast and as much as she can without drowning. Literally! I always thought that my nursing experience was strange and that hopefully she would grow into and get better.

Typically women with this will have fat babies that gain weight quickly and grow very fast! Then after 2-3 months the baby stops growing, stops gaining weight, and quickly develops "Failer to Thrive".

So what is the solution.

Stop nursing baby.

I've already noticed signs that Symi wasn't doing well. We just thought that she had Acid Reflux like Ben. Which is what commonly happens is that they are misdiagnosed. Poor Symi was having green slimy stools with a sore red bottom. She would choke and pull away all the time while I was feeding her. Screaming and crying in between. Passing gas all the time and burping like an adult. She was NEVER satisfied for very long and would want to be fed every hour. This was a night mare for me because sleep seemed to be impossible. I was neglecting Ben all the time to fulfill Symi's nursing needs and diaper changes. I felt like a horrible mother, not being able to handle having 2 kids. I didn't know how mothers with more do it. I felt like a failure and that I was trying to give my baby the best. When in reality my breast milk was making her sick and unhealthy. This is a rare disorder and not many women have to deal with this. Let me tell you. I was told yesterday and I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm making my baby sick.

So now here's the cherry to top it off. Ben came up to me today and asked me this,"Mommy, when will I get to have you back? Daddy goes to work and Symi needs to eat. When can I have a turn?"
Hot tears.
Sobbing.
Holding both babies while we all cry.
I guess the last few days I keep asking Ben to go play somewhere because the screaming baby is overwhelming me. The toddler asking me for something while I'm trying to nurse is almost unbearable. I guess I've felt like a "single mother" ever since I've had Symi. Dane goes to work in the morning before the sun comes up. Then he's Student Teaching in the morning. Then he's home briefly for dinner and rushes off to work at night. Coming home in the late evenings. Just in time to collapse in bed. I stay at home and try to tackle the house work, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, administer to the sick children, and the list goes on. I guess I've just had a breaking moment tonight and needed a place to vent.

What's my point. Well I stopped nursing my baby yesterday and cried because I learned something. I kept praying that I would have a good and healthy baby so that I could cope at this "Season" of our lives. Knowing that I would be doing this alone. I kept wondering why he hadn't heard my prayers. When the Holy Ghost spoke to me and bore witness. I have to give up something that I want so bad, for something greater for Symi, Ben, Dane and I. Something that I've desired to do for so long. And now I've been told that I can't anymore. I have to put away my selfish wants to give my family something of greater value. I'm grateful that Heavenly Father hears and answers prayers. Not in the way that I thought it should be done. But in a way that tender mercies can come flowing into my home and bless my little family. I know that our "test" right now seem so small to so many of you. But they are ours right now and are so real. I guess I'm learning to lean more on my Savior and pray harder than I've ever done before. I know I can't do this alone.

It's officail (Part 2)

Ben hasn't needed his pacifiers in his mouth since he was about 18 months. We cut off the ends and only gave them to him at nights. So he would hold them in his hands but never in his mouth. We thought he was going to take them with him to college so that he could sleep! So we're so happy and grateful that he was very willing and able to let them go!

It's official!

The "Mee-Mee's" have officially been laid to rest! Ben no longer sleeps with them in his hands anymore! He threw away his last one the other night and has been doing just fine! We re so proud of him! He's been attached to those since birth!

New Gun

Before Symantha was born I ordered a new manual pump that I can take with me everywhere. I was unpacking it when it arrived and Ben was watching intently. Finally he asked me.

Ben: Mommy, I want to shoot your gun.

Me: Um . . . NO! This is not a gun. And it's not a toy to play with. Please leave it alone!

A few days later I found him standing by the window with my "Gun" shooting the birds. At least he's an innocent boy!

BURP. . . . what!?

Ben is such a good helper. He loves to help pat Symi's back to burp her after I have fed her. This is the conversation that went down.

Ben: Come on Symi burp.

Symi: (Well she farted really loud)

Ben: Mom, was that a fart!?

Me: Yes. She farted Ben.

Ben: Symi that's the wrong end!

What do you find after lunch time?

After I had cleaned up lunch I ventured upstairs to see why everyone else was so quiet. This is what I found! They are all so cute, I just love them all so much.







I guess it's hard work having a baby!

Family

Sleepy girl.


Ben wants to hold her every morning! He's so cute because he'll also ask for us to take a picture of him holding his "Symi Lynn".


Just relaxing.


Oh Hi Mom!


Daddy just loves his baby girl!

Welcome to our World!

Welcome to Symantha Lynn Hepworth! Born on July 28, 2009 at 12:54 pm. Weighing in at 7lbs 7oz and 20 inches long. She came out crying and full of life, but quickly calmed down once she heard her Daddy's voice. I'm only posting a few pictures for now. I will tell the "Labor Story" next time. We are both doing well and are happy to be home and getting into a groove. So far she is a great eater and sleeper! She is such a joy! Ben is always watching over her, talking to her, and sharing EVERYTHING he has with her. (example: toys, food, sippy cup, blankies, "mee-mee's") He loves talking to her and holding her hands. Ben is also constantly complimenting her on her cute clothes, pretty eyes, and saying how cute or beautiful she is. We hope you enjoy the pictures! There will be more coming soon.

Getting Started!






Proud, excited, and giddy Daddy!






Brand New!







To: Big Brother Ben
From: Your Symi Lynn
I love you and just wanted to show you with some new toys!



Ben wanted to tell her "Thank You" for the toys right away.


Holding his sister for the first time!


Absolutely adoring his sister!
Ben: "Ohhhh! Mommy she's so cute!"


Mommy and Symi


Mommy, Symi, & Daddy


Freshly washed hair & it's going curly!


Ben & I share the same swirl in our hairline on our foreheads.


Kisses


Sweet baby Symi!

Symantha Lynn Hepworth

I'm sorry that these are all tiny. But these are from Dane's parent's camera. So I thought I'd share them too.


Ben and Grandpa Cook pulling faces.


Daddy's Girl


Kisses


Baby Girl!

Contractions

Having some lately.
Think they are the real thing.
We'll keep you posted!

Baby Update II

Today I was at the Dr's office. He told me that the baby's head is down and engaged. He also commented that he could feel her head down in my pelvic bone. (No wonder my hips ache and feel like they are "out".) He also said that my cervix was stuck a little and that he couldn't quite reach it to see how far along I had progressed. From what he could tell was I am still a 3, but he told me that's not for sure. He also couldn't reach it enough to tell how effaced my cervix was.

So we are waiting patiently to see when she will arrive. Anyone care to make a guess?

1. Date
2. Time
3. Weight
4. Length
5. Length of Labor
(I'm hoping that #5 will be less than 40 hours in labor.)

Baby Update

I had a Dr's appointment yesterday. I was a little surprised at how far along I am and so was the Dr.

I am measuring a week ahead. I'm 50% effaced, and I'm dilated to a 3. After all of these measurements the Dr sat down and started discussing who is on call to deliver. I was quite shocked because I still thought we had 4 more weeks! He wanted me to know that since my last appointment my body had progressed quite a bit and that he wanted me to be prepared if this baby decided to come soon. He told me that if she comes this week she'll be tiny and may need some assistance. And possibly be in the NICU for a while if she's struggling. I was ok with all of that because I know she's early, but out of the extreme danger zone. The Dr also said that every week she stays in there she gains more weight and becomes healthier. So we are hoping to have her stay in there for a little while longer. But if she does come early we'll still love her and give her the best we can!

Just thought I'd give everyone and update! I'm doing much better with my heart. The Dr said it might be my Acid Reflux or GERD that is causing my esophagus to spasm near my heart and cause my heart to stress. So we purchased a large wedge pillow to prop me up at nights. So far it's really done the trick and I am no longer having any sort of symptom or chest pains. Which is soo wonderful!

We'll keep you posted as the weeks go by!

Short & Sweet 2

Ben finally came up to me and let me hold him. He quietly sat and studied me while I sat there. The finally he said this.

"Oh there you are Mommy!"

After touching my hair, a tender grin spread across his face and this is what he said.

"You are beautiful."

Well that's all it takes to melt a Mother's heart. I honestly have never felt so beautiful in my entire life. Thank you Ben you mean the world to me.

Short & Sweet

So summer comes and things tend to get shorter. Well I've been wanting to cut my hair short for a while now and couldn't be more pleased! Mindy did a great job and I am so happy with the results!




















I was so excited when she told me that if I was willing to cut it shorter that I could donate it to "Locks of Love". That made me so excited! I've always had long hair but never donated it yet.

I came home and Dane was very quiet. He wouldn't look at me for a long time. And finally he commented,"It's really short." Ben didn't recognize me and still won't come to me. He keeps glaring at me and clinging onto Daddy. It makes me sad because he doesn't even know who I am right now. But I'm sure with time it will change and he will warm up again. I do have to say I will miss when Ben asks me to touch my hair. He'll come up to me and softly run his hand through my hair and tell me how beautiful I am. I still hope he thinks Mommy's beautiful even without the longer hair.

Heavenly Father Loves Me

It was just after 7 this morning. Ben came into my room to wake me up and heard something outside. He crawled up onto a chair and this is what he told me.

"Mommy, Look! Heavenly Father loves me cause he turned on the Sprinklers."

"Let go wash our feet and play!"

So whenever I see sprinklers I will be reminded that I am loved by my Heavenly Father.

Where have you been?

Dane graduating with his Bachlor's Degree in Biology


"Belly Bump" at around 25 weeks along.


Another "Belly Bump" soaking up the sun!


Dane graduating from the CES program from Institute. Ben wasn't very happy.


Another of Dane.


This is how we pack boxes at our house!


Ben was excited to have "tunnels" all over to climb through and entertain himself while I packed.


Ben in his Easter outfit. That he's almost grown out of!


In case of emergency . . . .


. . . . wrap shoe lace around to hold up your backside! It works great!